Friday, March 24, 2006

On Alfred Pond -- Mailbag

Alfredboy aka redstateboy aka priv8pete lives in upstate New York, working for a university, going to the local bar for trivia nights and wondering why he moved so far away from Yankee Stadium. (Priv8pete and I met because our season tickets are next to each other in the bleacher section.) He kicks it old school online -- sending out an occasional email newsletter about his life in a tiny college town that Lake Wobegon could beat the crap out of in a war. Here's his latest missive:

I ordered Chinese last night for the first time in a while. It's always the same; every couple of weeks I get the desire for Chinese and then immediately afterward it destroys my stomach. I might as well just drink a cup of grease and give myself an enema.

Have you ever noticed that every Chinese restaurant has the same calendar? It's the one with a different girl for every two months that claims it was printed at 120 Madison St, NY NY. Typically, the calendar is kept near the front and flipped every two months so that it can be used as a calendar. But not the Giant Panda restaurant in Alfred. They decided to hang them all as art work and I noticed that the pictures really run the gamut from the really hot chick in a tight, schoolgirl outfit revealing her belly (and the not so exotic in the 21st century belly button jewelry) looking like she took time away from her job as a dominatrix for the shoot to a pretty, happy girl with a Christmas present for you.

But May/June was the one that caught my attention last night. There was an average
looking girl who was holding about 6 puppies and superimposed next to her was a big pile of gold bullion. Needless to say, I was perplexed. Hot, barely clothed chick and sweet, pretty girl with a present transcend cultures, but the puppies and gold just make zero sense to me. Is this a popular male fantasy in the Far East? Is she suggesting that she's fertile, loving and loaded? Does she want to sell puppies for money? I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer to this, but it wasn't even the most disturbing development of the evening.

While watching Duke choke in the regional semifinals last night, an add came on for Papa John's Pizza. Now Papa John's is like the Fiat to Domino's and Pizza Hut's BMW and Mercedes and Papa John himself makes all his own painful commercials. Well, in the Rochester area he has rolled out a new website for ordering -- Seriously.

Now, there are so many things wrong with that -- from its sexual overtones to its incest-related connotations. I can't see how a properly adjusted grown man can smilingly say "Eat Papa" on a television commercial for his own franchise. It's mind boggling. Perhaps he's some genius and is orchestrating a short squeeze on his
stock, but I think the man has completely lost his mind which means that the ads only stand to get better with time!

And now, onto the mailbag. I did receive one question, so I will answer it and save my spam expose for the future.

"Is Doubleplay-Rod [aka Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees] actually a dirtbag? Most evidence points to that he is, but he did give up playing short for maybe he's just a dirtbag with a crush on Jeter? Oh, and I want this answered without using the letter 'R'." - Bruce in Jersey

Good question. Much has been made of Alex and his mauve lips. With his choice to play in the WBC on the side of the US as opposed to the Dominicans, many people have questioned his motives. It is widely held in Section 39 that Alex is much like Jason Giambi in that they both excel at compiling statistics, but suck in the clutch. Any animosity Alex holds against DJ is mostly due to this phenomenon and Alex no doubt fantasizes about having the attention that DJ gets. I think that Alex is just one of these people who is constantly hoping to be in the spotlight and will do/say anything that will help make him lots of loot in the public domain, to see his photo in a magazine and on television. To this end he has succeeded but it has made him look disingenuous which is what I think the question you posed is alluding to.

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